


Shoma Uno's International Figure Skating Blackmail Association

by thedarknesswithin (babylxxrry)



Category: Figure Skating RPF, Olympics RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blackmail, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Crack, Implied Relationships, Multi, a whole bunch of others show up briefly, but those are the ones who appear the most, everyone thinks everyone else is in a relationship, kind of except not really, self-indulgent crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-12 05:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16866991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babylxxrry/pseuds/thedarknesswithin
Summary: Rumor has it that “making it” in the international skating world isn’t winning Nationals, or Worlds, or even the Olympics. Twice. Thrice. No, “making it” in the international skating world is defined only as acceptance into Shoma Uno’s International Figure Skating Blackmail Association, in which nothing even remotely involved with skating or skaters can be kept a secret. Ever.[or, four times shoma receives confidential information from his network of spies around the world and one time he really, really wishes he didn't.]





	Shoma Uno's International Figure Skating Blackmail Association

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is a bit of ... a hot mess set sometime around pyeongchang bc there’s no other way i could see all of these people interacting the way they do outside of olys. it’s been sitting in my half-finished pile forever, but i recently stumbled on some inspiration and marathon-wrote this when i was supposed to be doing a lab write up but you know how it is. 
> 
> this is a work of pure fiction. all ships are, indeed, ships of mine, but they vary in degrees of intensity (this bunch actually covers from super causal ship to otp lmao). don’t take any of this seriously. it’s called crack for a reason. 
> 
> langauage barriers apparently don’t exist. if you’d like to imagine people who speak the same language doing so, go ahead. it was just hard for me to capture their characters the way i had them in mind while also keeping their actual languages in consideration, so i didn’t bother bc again, crackfic.
> 
> hopefully the message formatting makes sense... i tried something new and i'm not sure how it's going to turn out lmao. forgive any mistakes in formatting or general "blips", i don't have a beta and i'm not the best at catching mistakes lol
> 
> anyways! i hope you enjoy this wild ride ;P

Rumor has it that “making it” in the international skating world isn’t winning Nationals, or Worlds, or even the Olympics. Twice. Thrice. No, “making it” in the international skating world is defined only as acceptance into Shoma Uno’s International Figure Skating Blackmail Association (IFSBA), in which nothing even remotely involved with skating or skaters can be kept a secret. Ever. It’d started a few years ago, consisting of just Shoma, Satoko Miyahara, Maia Shibutani, and Adam Rippon. Now, it’s expanded quite a bit, coming to include many ~~spies~~ _contacts_ Shoma’s made throughout his international competition career. He’s privileged to many secrets that’ve been shared over the years, and he would deny if asked, but he has well-backstopped secret fan accounts from which he keeps tabs on the fandom and prompts analyses should he feel the need to have solid proof about something or other.

Most of his information comes directly from his sources, though, so he’s well-versed in juggling at least four active chats at any given time. His record is something to the effect of three groups, five dms, and sorting his information into the numerous folders on his computer all at the same time. Let no one underestimate the power of Shoma Uno when he’s invested in something.

 

1.. Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir

There’s a knock at Shoma’s hotel room door and he looks up from his phone.

“Shoma, it’s me,” Yuzuru’s familiar voice comes through the door.

Shoma gets off the bed and opens the door.

“Yeah?”

“Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir, the Canadian ice dancing team,” Yuzu starts, giggling to himself. “Zhenya and I spotted them cuddling in their dressing room before practice.”

Shoma raises an eyebrow. “Oh? Interesting. You know the drill.” The drill is “pics or it didn’t happen”, as everyone in the blackmail ring knows.

Yuzu nods, gesturing at Shoma’s computer open on the bed. “Zhenya’s sending them soon. The quality isn’t great, but it’s clear enough.”

“Good. Thank you, Yuzu. Goodnight,” Shoma bows his head, and Yuzu mirrors him.

“Goodnight, Shoma.”

Shoma closes the door and sits back down on the bed, clicking open to Evgenia Medvedeva’s chat.

_Zhenya, 9:49pm: IMG_684_  
_Zhenya, 9:49pm: IMG_685_  
_Zhenya, 9:50pm: IMG_686_  
_Zhenya, 9:51pm: Virtuemoir earlier today. Hope these are clear enough :)_

_Me, 9:51pm: Good enough, thank you Zhenya. Sleep well._

_Zhenya, 9:53pm: Goodnight! You too :*_

Shoma files the new images away. He’s got a specific folder just for those two, and everyone else, but it takes a few clicks to get in.

_This PC >> Pictures >> IFSBA >> Active >> Americas >> Canada >> VirtueT/MoirS_

2.. Nathan Chen and Vincent Zhou

_Jason, 4:19am: Hey, Shoma, Tessa and Scott got me to dig up some stuff_  
_Jason, 4:19am: Nathan Chen and Vincent Zhou, that’s something new_  
_Jason, 4:20am: Oh shit, it’s like four in the morning, sorry!! timezones are weird_  
_Jason, 4:21am: But here’s a bunch of Chenzhou stuff, the first two are from VM_  
_Jason, 4:21am: IMG_349_  
_Jason, 4:21am: IMG_350_  
_Jason, 4:22am: these next ones are from my asking around and digging…_  
_Jason, 4:23am: IMG_649_  
_Jason, 4:23am: IMG_493_  
_Jason, 4:24am: IMG_232_  
_Jason, 4:25am: that’s it, sorry for the spam!! sleep well shoma :D_

_Me, 7:13am: Wow, good morning, Jason.  
Me, 7:13am: Thank you, those two are either very good at keeping the secret or are a new thing._

Shoma hasn’t had to make a new folder in ages, but he supposes if he _had_ to guess, Nathan would be the next one involved. It’s a pity about what Vincent’s supported on Twitter, but Shoma has a feeling Nathan and the Shibs are trying to change that. They should be, anyways. Shoma might need to have a word with them if they aren’t.

_This PC >> Pictures >> IFSBA >> Active >> Americas >> USA >> New Folder  
Rename New Folder >> ChenN/ZhouV_

3.. Evgenia Medvedeva and Wakaba Higuchi

“Pay up, Nathaniel,” Maia says at breakfast the next morning, smirk fixed in place as Nathan sighs and passes her phone back along with a ten.

“Did I miss something?” Shoma asks her when he catches her in the hall.

“Oh, has no one sent this over yet? Zhenya and Wakaba were up to… something earlier,” Maia says, pulling out her phone and handing it over. It’s a short, blurry video of what appears to be two girls snuggling in the semi-darkness of the empty stands of the rink during open practice.

“If you squint and turn your head a little, you can kind of see their team jackets,” Maia explains, pointing out the lines, and Shoma thinks he might be able to. Maybe.

“Send it over.”

“Will do.  See you later, Shosho,” Maia says, pecking Shoma on the cheek. Shoma rolls his eyes at the nickname.

“Yeah yeah. I’ll tell Yuzu you said hi, too.”

“Thanks!” Maia calls as she skips off. Literally skips. What the fuck, honestly.

Shoma regrets opening his laptop the moment notifications start rolling in.

_Maia, 10:20am: VID_127  
Maia, 10:20am: here’s the video. i know others are sending in other stuff so _

_Javi, 10:23am: SHOMA DID YOU SEE THIS ISN’T IT CUTE LOOK  
Javi, 10:24am: IMG_388_

It’s a more HD picture version of the video Maia sent, from the ice instead of somewhere in the stands, but it’s still not clear exactly who the girls are. They could match Wakaba and Zhenya, but it’s hard to tell.

_Nathan, 10:21am: Evgenia and Wakaba from practice this morning ;)_  
_Nathan, 10:23am: IMG_638_  
_Nathan, 10:24am: IMG_639_  
_Nathan, 10:25am: here are Vincent’s contributions, he’s not in this group, is he?_

_Me, 10:45am: No, he isn’t_

The amount of people trying to reach him is honestly a bit absurd, Shoma thinks as he saves everything.

_Yuzu, 10:32am: IMG_439  
Yuzu, 10:32am: IMG_440_

At this point, there’s more than enough witnesses to more or less confirm that those two girls were, indeed, Zhenya and Wakaba, so Shoma finishes filing his evidence before closing the computer.

_This PC >> Pictures >> IFSBA >> Active >> International >> RUS/JPN MedvedevaE/HiguchiW_

4.. Javier Fernandez and Yuzuru Hanyu

The next one really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone, but Shoma is startled, nonetheless, when he suddenly receives an influx of all-capslock texts from numerous people. He ventures onto Instagram, scrolling down until he sees the source of the screaming. Kaori’s posted an old video on her private account from some banquet afterparty or other, maybe from last year. It looks like it’s been screen recorded and resaved several times, so he can’t tell where it’s originally from, but its content couldn’t be clearer.

The original videographer was taking a panning shot of the dark ballroom they’d been in, and in the very back corner, somewhat obscured by the dark mass of people, is two figures standing close. It’s not immediately apparent who they are, but Kaori and, her caption says, Mai and Satton have taken the time to compile a series of other pictures into the post that show clearer fractions of said figures in the back. They appear to both be male, and singles skaters based on relative height and breadth of shoulder. The clincher is a shaky video from an unnamed account, where the frame rests on the two long enough to see one cup the other’s cheek in an oddly familiar motion. Kaori has paired this with a side-by-side of a video from an ice show, where Javi does the same thing to Yuzu, except in the ballroom video, probably-Javi leans in to kiss probably-Yuzu.

Shoma laughs. He messages Kaori.

_Me, 8:23pm: Kao, you’re now a co-admin of the IFSBA. Congratulations._

_Kaori, 8:30pm: Oh, you saw the post LMAO_

_Me, 8:30pm: Yeah, I did. Good work._

_Kaori, 8:31pm: Thank youuuuuuuuu, Mai and Satton say hi. Are we still on for dinner this weekend?_

_Me, 8:31pm: Of course. I’ll see you then :D_

_Kaori, 8:32pm: I’ve heard from several people that Stephane Lambiel has something big  
Kaori, 8:33pm: I’m not exactly sure what it is, but some of the rumors are… mentally scarring._

_Me, 8:33pm: I’ll be on the lookout. Thanks for the heads-up, though_

_Kaori, 8:33pm: Good luck. You’ll know it when you see it. See you Saturday :*_

Shoma smiles to himself as he saves the new analysis to one of the biggest files on his computer. He’s planning on splitting it into years soon, or maybe blocks of years, just for ease of access. There’s not as much for when Yuzuru first moved to TCC, but some of the more recent years have had a lot of content.

_This PC >> Pictures >> IFSBA >> Active >> International >> ESP/JPN FernandezJ/HanyuY_

+1 Evgeni Plushenko and Alexei Yagudin

_Unknown Contact, 3:45am: Hi Shoma, I’m going to go ahead and stay anonymous for now_  
_Unknown Contact, 3:45am: I have some pretty strong blackmail stuff_  
_Unknown Contact, 3:45am: But it’s quite mentally scarring, so there’s your warning._  
_Unknown Contact, 3:46am: Submitting for Evegni Plushenko and Alexei Yagudin._  
_Unknown Contact, 3:46am: IMG_69_  
_Unknown Contact, 3:47am: I am deeply uncomfortable with that image number. Here’s a piece of proof._  
_Unknown Contact, 3:48am: IMG_scrnsht34_  
_Unknown Contact, 3:50am: I am aware of how unfortunate those numbers are. I’m bleaching my eyes._

The first thing Shoma sees upon waking is a spam of messages and Evgeni Plushenko’s penis. It’s not a pleasant way to wake up.

“ _Jesus fucking Christ,”_ Shoma hisses, throwing his phone across the bed. He thinks he may need to invest in a good brain-dissolver.

Unsolicited dickpics are never well-received, so Shoma carefully scrolls past the picture to the screenshot. It appears to be from Plushenko himself, sent to the anonymous submitter, who seems to have used Twitter stickers to censor their name from the chat.

_Evgeni to [Redacted]: FUCK_  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: SORRY_  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: THAT WAS MEANT FOR SOMEONE ELSE_  
_[Redacted] to Evgeni: That was an unpleasant experience_  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: I AM SO SORRY_  
_[Redacted] to Evgeni: Since you’ve subjected me to …that, I think I have a right to know who it was for._  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: …_  
_[Redacted] to Evgeni: Fine, then, I’ll just throw out my guesses and you tell me yes or no. No shaming._  
_[Redacted] to Evgeni: Yana (it’s not.)_  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: …_  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: No._  
_[Redacted] to Evgeni: Another woman (it’s not.)_  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: These implications of yours, [Redacted]._  
_[Redacted] to Evgeni: It’s not as if I, of all people, would judge you for that._  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: I’m going to spare myself the shame._  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: Lyosha._  
_[Redacted] to Evgeni: Not a surprise. But Lyosha is quite an… intimate name, is it not?_  
_Evgeni to [Redacted]: You’ve gotten what you want, [Redacted]. This conversation never happened._

Shoma has a guess on who it is, but he has to go through a bit of an intensive process to confirm. He’s not directly in contact with the people who could tell him, but he has contacts who are, so he sets out with his messages. He can’t go too directly, either, so he chooses a slightly more difficult path.

First, to Adam: _Good morning, Adam! Do you happen to have a contact number for Mirai Nagasu? I wanted to ask her some things._

Then, to Mirai: _Hi, Mirai. This is Shoma Uno. I was just wondering if you have Karen Chen’s number? I was going to ask her something._

To Karen: _Hi Karen, this is Shoma Uno. Would you happen to have Nathan Chen’s number? I was going to ask him about some things._

To Nathan: _Hi Nathan. I was just asking to see if you had Mikhail Kolyada’s number. I’m trying to collect contact info for later._

The thing is, he’s already got all the numbers he needs. He just wants the trail to be untraceable back to him. He could just text the person in question directly and ask, but since when does a blackmail leader expose himself like that? Never.

To Mikhail: _Hi Mikhail. This is Shoma Uno. Do you have Stanislava Konstantinova’s number? I need to ask her something._

To Stanislava: _Hi Stanislava, this is Shoma Uno. Would you happen to have the phone number of Diana Nikitina? I wanted to ask her some questions._

To Diana: _Hi Diana. This is Shoma Uno. I was wondering if you could get me Deniss Vasiljevs’ number? I wanted to ask him something about Stephane._

Diana replies with a laughing emoji and four molester moon emojis. _You know too much,_ she texts. _But yes. I will forward you his number. Just one second._

And finally, finally, Shoma’s where he needed to be from the start. He could’ve just gotten Deniss’ number from his spreadsheet, but where’s the fun in that?

_Me, 7:30am: Hi Deniss. Can I ask you something about Stephane?_

_Deniss Vasiljevs, 7:43am: Sure, what’s up?_

_Me, 7:45am: You wouldn’t happen to know if Plushenko mis-sent something, would you?_

_Deniss Vasiljevs, 7:45am: Oh my god_  
_Deniss Vasiljevs, 7:45am: The dickpic_  
_Deniss Vasiljevs, 7:45am: Yes, that was a thing. Why?_

It takes about ten seconds of explaining before Deniss is officially inducted into the IFSBA. Apparently, Stephane’s taught him how to be basically invisible when he wants to be, lurking both on- and offline and cataloguing information for later. Shoma also likes how practical and straightforward Deniss is, so he’s basically a shoo-in.

_This PC >> Pictures >> IFSBA >> Active >> Europe >> Russia >> PlushenkoE/YagudinA_

Shoma adds Deniss to the main groupchat, letting all of their greetings slow down before messaging him privately again.

_Me, 7:54am: To be officially “in”, you do have to send a piece of blackmail for yourself  
Me, 7:54am: It’s a guarantee that whatever happens in IFSBA stays in IFSBA._

_Deniss, 7:55am: What if I send you something of Steph instead?_

_Me, 7:55am: Stephane is hard to blackmail, short of nudes or like… sex tapes._

_Deniss, 7:56am: The things that happen in Champery stay in Champery, then._  
_Deniss, 7:56am: VID_132_  
_Deniss, 7:57am: Striptease lessons for myself. I clipped it before the underwear came off so that’s safe._

Shoma honest to god chokes. It is indeed a video of Deniss stripdancing (awkwardly), with Stephane giving soft-spoken instructions from behind the camera.  Instead of the video cutting out normally, though, Deniss, that little shit, has edited in Plushenko’s dickpic with a bass-boosted audio clip at the end like some kind of fucking jumpscare, and Shoma instantly regrets his entire life.

_Me, 8:01am: FUCK OFF I HATE MY LIFE_

_Deniss, 8:01am: MWAH LOVE YOU TOO_

Once he stops laughing, Shoma hesitates a moment before he sets up his latest observations, but decides it’s probably just speculation. Still, it can’t hurt to get things set up, right?

_This PC >> Pictures >> IFSBA >> Active >> International >> New Folder  
Rename New Folder >> LAT/SUI VasiljevsD/LambielS (possible)_

_-fin._

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed :D
> 
> and if you’d like to see more of any particular ship from me or a continuation of this universe, please let me know! i'd love to write more if people would read it.


End file.
